Quotable Quotes

In the fine investigative tradition of CBS, The New Conservative Voice brings you actual quotes from Kerry supporters. These have been verified by Ingebe Nobongo, with whom I’m currently engaged in bringing $25 million out of Nigeria to help the son of a former Agriculture Minister who’s been jailed but managed to hide the money in a Swiss bank. If I can trust Ingebe with my banking details, along with a $25,000 good faith payment, you can trust him to vouch for these quotes.

John Kerry’s hair is just so awesome. He’s tall too. And did you know that he fought in Venezuela?

Mandy Lundquist
Majoring in Comparative Indigence at Columbia University

Kerry is incredibly butch and Edwards has eyelashes to die for. I’d do him in a heartbeat. But that George Bush is such a bitch. And don’t get me started on Cheney. Do something with that hairstyle and lose the paunch. A little eyeliner wouldn’t hurt either.

Delbert Swish
Energy Balance Consultant
San Francisco, California

Like, George Bush is killing people and John Kerry would make peace and keep it cool with the Europeans, dude. Hey, right now the only European country that supports us is Canada, right? Am I right? Man, you gotta understand that war is not the answer. Give peace a chance. That’s what’s written on my thing. You wanna see? Just a second while I unzip this. Hey, where ya goin’?

Thad Jones
Piercing and Tattoo Model
Santa Monica, California

Ve must end ze involvement of big money in American politics once and for all. For zis reason, I have pledged over $50 million of my own money to defeat George Bush and ensure zat ze voice of ze average American is heard.

George S.
Mysterious, yet benign, billionaire, from his secret base orbiting the Moon.

Ven John ahsked me to buy him ze Presidency, how could I refuse, dahling? He just gave me zos sad little baby-boobly eyes and I could not resist. Anyvay, it keeps him busy and he leafs me alone. See you in ze Vhitehouse scumbags.

Teresa K.
Mysterious, yet malignant, millionaire, from her locked tower room on an unnamed estate in Pennsylvania.